Intimacy in Action
Relationships That Feed the Soul
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If you don’t find balance between pressure and pleasure,
your epitaph is going to read,
"Got everything done, died anyway."

                                                                                Paul Pearsall

                                                                            A Course in Miracles Workbook Lesson 41

                                                        Steven Wright

                                                                        Elaine St. James

Are We Having Fun Yet?

        One of the fundamental cornerstones for a healthy relationship is having the ability to play, have fun and laugh together. In fact, the ability to laugh at ourselves has been shown to be a major predictor for a satisfying, stable marriage. Isn’t that why we get into relationships in the first place—to share with another and to enjoy life? I think that too many times partners in relationships lose contact with that original purpose. We get worn down by life, by our jobs, by the daily grind. We worry about the economy, our children’s education, the bills, our career. And we forget why we originally fell in love with this person.
        So, do you enjoy being with your partner? Do they challenge you and laugh with you and help you to grow? Is there a sense of joy in your interactions? Do you take time to play and interact? If these qualities seem to be missing in your relationship, remind yourself of how you were and how he/she was when you first met. Remember the ease, the joy, the fun you had. And then remind yourself that those feelings are still available to be felt.A Course in Miracles states,
      "To heal is to make happy." Text Pg. 66 / 72
      Reflection on this thought led me to think about how important enjoyment is in our relationships. That is what this book is intended to do—to help you to regain your happiness in relationship with yourself and others. After all, if you are not having fun with your partner, why are you with him/her?
        Now, don’t get me wrong. We do need to process our issues and handle our life challenges, but sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. We need to lighten up. We don’t need to process all of our issues all the time, analyzing every little incident. We must give ourselves time to let it go and to just simply enjoy life. Often the answer to a perplexing problem will only become apparent as we let it go, as we relax.
        Spend time together to play and relate. Spend a weekend where you do not talk about your jobs, the kids, financial issues or the house. All you do is talk about yourselves. Find out if you really like each other. It’s not the end of the world if you find that you do not like each other because now you can do something about it. At least now you have identified a problem. You can talk, you can get into therapy, you can meet with a minister, you can take workshops. Be willing to take this chance to regain a sense of joy and love in your relationship.

        Recently my wife, Stav, and I spent a whole month vacationing on the island of Cyprus (Stav’s homeland). We had lots of time to do nothing—sit on the beach, take long walks to visit her mom, souvenir shop or just find a place to eat.
        Normally I keep myself busy with working on my computer, playing video games or reading, but on this trip I had no computer and so for awhile I read a lot. It’s my way of being in my own world. But as I finished my book, something inside me resisted getting another one. I started slowing down and began to just hang out with Stav. And we found that we genuinely like each other’s company. We remembered why we fell in love with each other—the love we have for people, our love of God, how blessed we feel to have each other, and just how easy it is to talk.
        We spent time enjoying the simple, little pleasures of life. Having a cappuccino, sharing ice cream, sitting in the sun, watching a movie. And we enjoyed the simple, little pleasures of each other. A simple, "I love you," a touch, a caress, a laugh.

        When you allow a sense of play and laughter into your relationship, you automatically let in God. Because, in my opinion, God is the Father (and Mother) of play and laughter. He/She is love and joy. And in those times when we really think our problems are so bad, God steps in and lovingly helps.
        One time, very early in our marriage, Stav and I were having a real knockdown, drag-out fight. We were furious with each other! We were angry! We were actually screaming in each other’s face, raging like maniacs. We were not about to let the other person win!
        I was in the midst of a tirade, ranting at her, when suddenly I stopped, cold. And glaring at her with clenched teeth, I said,
        "And do you know what else I’m really angry about?"
        "No! What!" she yelled.
        "I’m mad that I forgot what I’m mad about!"
        She glared back at me and replied, "ME TOO!"
        "Well I’m still mad at you," I countered.
        "So am I."
        We stared at each other for a moment longer, trying to stay mad, but finally we both exploded into laughter. We couldn’t help it! We were still mad at each other, but we couldn’t remember why. The laughter softened the moment.
        Later we remembered why we were so angry, but you know what? It no longer mattered. It was no longer an issue. What seemed so irreconcilable earlier, now was nothing.

        I recall another time, many years before, when I was driving home with my girlfriend from a family function. We were having a heated argument, and I was hot and righteous. I yelled and gesticulated as I drove through the rain-soaked Chicago streets. And just as I was really heating up, a car, coming from the opposite direction, hit a deep puddle of rainwater, sending a tsunami through my open car window. I continued driving, trying to keep my anger and composure, trying to act as if nothing had happened, while my girlfriend’s body jerked in spasms as she tried not to explode in laughter.
        I looked at her, water dripping off my nose and said, "Well, I guess God’s trying to tell me to cool off."
        I did.

        Another way of lightening up is to give yourself something that you secretly desire. Many times we deny ourselves simple pleasures and joys because we judge them as being silly. We deny asking our partner for a simple pleasure because we think they’ll think we are immature or needy. We even deny giving ourselves the little things we desire, thinking we have to live up to some unspoken standard. We don’t share our little upsets with our partner because we judge our upsets as silly and little. And yet, it is the little things, the simple pleasures, that build the lives we share.
        One night after a very hard class day, I decided to rent a movie. I stood in the store looking at all the movies, trying to decide what I wanted to watch.
        "Get something good," said my mind. "Get something socially significant. Get an Oscar winner like Schindler’s List or Terms of Endearment."
        As I was scanning the movie rack I suddenly spotted the movie Wizards – an animated cartoon. It tells the story of a post nuclear war world in which wizards, fairies and magic return and the ensuing conflict between magic and technology. I had heard about the movie years before and had always wanted to see it.
        But then my mind kicked in again.
        "Don’t get a stupid cartoon! What good is that? Get a good movie that will teach you, one that will make you better and help you grow!"
        I stood there for awhile, undecided, torn between what I wanted and what I thought was good. Finally I went inside and asked my child what I really wanted to watch. And the little child said, "Wizards." I rented the movie and I loved it!
        I realized later that for the state of mind that I was in that night, the movie was exactly what I needed. I had spent a whole day processing people and working on problems and I needed something fun and mindless, something with no socially redeeming value other than it was fun.

        Open up to the joy and fun that is possible in your life. There are thousands of ways to enjoy yourself and another. To heal is to make happy. As you take life less seriously, as you find humor in life’s absurdities, you can nurture the playful child in you and help your partner do the same. Rest assured that your relationship with yourself and your partner is now on solid ground.

  

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Self Discovery Quiz

• Is there something that you want that you deny yourself? When will you give it to yourself?

• Do you feel guilty or judge yourself or your partner when you are not doing anything constructive?

• Do you keep yourself from playing until all the chores are done?

• Would you like a foot massage, a back rub or just a cuddling session with your partner? When will you ask for one?

• What simple, little pleasures do you judge as silly or immature? Even though they may be silly and immature, do you want them anyway?

• Have you ever been in a bad mood and people or situations arise that can change that mood, but you hang onto the bad feelings? Why?

• When you were growing up, were you allowed to play?

• When you were growing up and you received money, how did you spend it? Did you enjoy it, hoard it, spend it all?

• Is there a movie that you have secretly wanted to watch, but were afraid what others may think?

If you have any questions or comments about this company or the web pages, feel free to e-mail us at jerryandstav@sbcglobal.net