Dear Jerry and Stav,
         It seems like no matter how hard we try, my wife and I always find something to fight about, whether it’s about what movie to see, where to eat or how to spend our money. It as if we’re doomed to be always arguing. Is there any way out of this situation?
        Signed,
               Frustrated in Dallas

Dear Frustrated,

Yes, there is a way out of your situation, but it’s going to take some willingness on your part to be happy no matter what the outcome may look like. You’ll have to ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or happy?" Be real honest with yourself here. If you are only interested in being right and getting your way, then know that any outcome will probably involve coercion, manipulation and maybe even intimidation. And we’ll guarantee you that neither of you will be happy. You may feel temporarily satisfied that you got your way, but underneath you’ll also feel guilty for getting you way in a sneaky, overpowering or underhanded way. And she’ll feel resentful for not being heard.

Similarly if she gets her way through the same methods.

Too many experiences like this and the relationship erodes further and further. And before you know it, you are two strangers who do not like each other, merely cohabiting the same house. What this indicates is that both of you are stuck in the power struggle, or competition stage in your relationship. This is a common stage that we all go through in relationships. Staying stuck in this stage will send the relationship into a breakup or divorce, or a life in an unfulfilled marriage. In healthy relationships, couples ultimately move from this stage as they learn to practice seeing a win-win (through trial and error) into the stage of cooperation.

What we have found is that the hardest part comes at the start – the willingness to be happy and to let go of what we think we want. This does not mean letting go of our desires, but only in letting go on how our desires are met. So many times people get stuck in the form of the problem and neglect the content.

As A Course in Miracles states,

I am never upset for the reason I think. Lesson 5

We think we are upset because we don’t have enough money, or we’ve gained weight or because our partner is not acting the way we want them to act. But what we are really upset about is that we lack a sense of peace – around anything! To quote the Course again,

Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is because you have reacted with a lack of love to one of God's creations. Text, pg. 89

And so we get busy trying to order our lives in a semblance that we think will give us peace. And if you’re like us, you’ve found that this is an endless job.

So the first step in resolving your argument is to decide whether you want to be happy or right. If you just want to be right, stop arguing right there! There’s no point in going on because no matter what, you’ll end up feeling worse. Give yourself some time to think and feel. Ask yourself, "Why am I so invested in my solution to this problem? What do I think it means if I change my mind or even if I let my partner win?"

Now remember, being willing to be happy does not mean you give up what you want. But be willing to look at the essence of what you want, not how it looks. Get clear on what is important to you in this issue. Also ask the Holy Spirit to help you find a win-win solution, even if you have no idea how this may be possible in your particular situation.

Once when we were trying to decide where to go for a vacation, it seemed we had diverse needs. Stav wanted to go to the beach and I wanted to go to the mountains. The forms looked irreconcilable. But once we began to share what these views meant to us, the situation began to change. We had both been working hard for a long time and Stav just wanted to relax and be taken care of. She wanted peace and quiet. I had been missing being in the mountains and I wanted to commune once again with that part of my soul. I too, wanted peace and quiet. We found we have the same desires but different forms to the answer. And then Stav said that we didn’t have to spend ALL of our time at the beach, just some of the time. And I felt the same way. We actually were in agreement in one area!

But we still didn’t have an answer. It still felt as if there was no answer that would please both of us. We finally called our friend Phil for some guidance. We related the scenario to him and the first words out of his mouth were,

"Did you ask the Holy Spirit for help?"

Well, Duh! One of the basic steps we originally learned was to turn our problems over to God (Jesus, Holy Spirit). And we had totally forgotten this rich tool! We were too busy trying to fix the problem – ourselves.

And so we turned the ultimate answer over to God. We decided that we were not going to make any vacation plans until we reached a mutually agreeable solution. It didn’t take long before a solution was provided – one in which both of us not only got what we wanted but we got even more! And that made both of us happy.

Remember that the Course says that all thinking creates form at some level. When we hang onto a problem and convince ourselves that no answer is possible, guess what forms you will create? No answer, or answers that never satisfy! But turning the problem over to God (Who, by the way, has all the answers) now allows our powerful minds to access unlimited Knowledge.

This puts both of your minds in a state of miracle-readiness. The state of being ready to change your perceptions. And remember to relax. Your higher Self is always on your side (actually, both of your sides) and if you are truly willing to be happy, you will attain your goal. As the Course states,

Be certain any answer to a problem the Holy Spirit solves will always be one in which no one loses. Text pg. 539

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