Dear Jerry and
Stav,
I am a recent
student of A
Course in Miracles and have found a lot of peace since I
started practicing the principles of the Course. I am a survivor of
childhood sexual abuse and I have been trying to practice forgiveness. Try
as I might, I still have a lot of angry feelings towards the abuser. I
feel as though I am failing the Course when these feelings come up
since the Course
teaches us against feeling angry.
Signed,
Feeling Crazy in Nashville
Dear Feeling,
This question is a
very common question that every serious student sooner or later encounters.
We have both had similar experiences when we personally started studying the
Course. It's been our experience that the more we allowed ourselves
to feel our raw feelings of anger in a responsible, safe, non-attacking way,
the more we were eventually able to transcend the painful events of our past
and feel real love, compassion and even understanding toward those who we
felt had "hurt" us. But this can take time.
Our
interpretation of what the Course means by anger, is acts
of revenge in any form. These acts can take the form of "getting
even," holding grudges, judging, projecting, attacking, and blaming the
world for our problems. This keeps us from moving on. In other words, we are
stuck in our wounds and many of us use our wounds as an excuse to not move
forward in our lives.
It is also our
experience and belief that any feeling deeply and responsibly felt
always leads to love. It is the denial of the true feelings that keep most
of us trapped in unconscious patterns that create disharmony in our personal
lives. Another point that is important to keep in mind is: What is the
intent behind feeling your anger? Is it to hold onto anger with the sole
agenda to blame ongoingly or is it to really feel a sense of peace and
forgiveness about the painful past?
It's not wrong to
have the emotion of anger. Anger is a normal and appropriate response to any
irritation or upset. The problem occurs when we respond (act) in anger. It
now makes the anger real. Where the anger was initially only ours now
we're projecting the insanity outward. This keeps the attack,
defense, attack, defense cycle going and keeps guilt in place.
This doesn't mean
you should not have anger at a past or present upset. It's just that by
projecting this anger, say onto your relationship, keeps the original pain
and hurt in place. It also fosters separation between you and your partner.
Remember, the Course
says in the Introduction,
This course does
not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be
taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the
awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance.
Responsibly
looking, acknowledging and releasing your anger at a past hurt removes a
block to the awareness of love’s presence. As more and more blocks are
removed, true forgiveness is the result.
Sometimes people
rush into forgiveness too soon, covering the anger and hurt with a thin
veneer of spiritual platitudes, yet the person is still seething
(unconsciously) inside. Their heart is in the right place, the intent
honorable, yet their life is still not working. When that happens, it is a
sign that there may be unconscious, suppressed feelings that need to be
processed.
A case in point:
Several years ago, when I (Stav) was first introduced to the Course,
(shortly after my divorce from my first husband) I too thought that I was
supposed to forgive and not have any feelings of anger.
I was a successful
professional in a prestigious hospital surrounded by many available men. I
am an attractive woman and yet I could not attract a relationship. I
wondered what was wrong
By forgiving too
soon, I totally by-passed any unresolved issues I had with my father and
totally denied any angry feelings towards my ex. I thought I was doing the spiritually
responsible thing to "forgive and forget." The problem was
that for as long as I was denying my feelings, I was projecting all my judgments,
fears and "psychic attacks" onto other men. No wonder I had a
problem attracting a relationship with a healthy man!
It was not until I
began doing deep personal work on myself that I got to see the connection
between my suppressed feelings and unresolved issues from my past. As the 7th
principle of miracles states:
Miracles are
everyone’s right, but purification is necessary first.
In order to change
my perceptions (a miracle), it was necessary to become more conscious and
bring up every unloving thought and feeling. I was not allowed to call my ex
and rant at him but I was allowed to rant to my heart’s content in class
and with my teachers. And as I faced these unloving parts of myself, as I
faced the fears and the judgments I held, they slowly began to slip away.
And my perception of men, my father, and even my ex began to change. Peace
and transcendence replaced the pain and the anger.
So how does one
address his/her anger without creating more upset? Well, the first step is
to take responsibility that you are angry and that your intention in feeling
this anger is not to make somebody wrong, but to find peace within
yourself. Then ask Jesus to hold your hand as you rant and rave. Ask Him for
the right words to say.
A very efficient
and quick way to release anger is to use methods such as screaming into a
pillow all of your angry thoughts and feelings that you have towards the
person who hurt you. Another is writing an angry letter to that person and
then burning it. We use breathwork with our clients to quickly facilitate
release of negative feelings. Whatever form you choose to address your
issues, we strongly suggest doing this work with a counselor.
You will find, over
time, that facing these feelings is not as scary or horrible. As you are
processing and releasing your anger, there will come a day when the charge
is gone and you will feel more peace. That is when forgiveness moves from
the head and into the heart. So don’t be afraid to feel and experience
your anger. It is a step towards completing the grief work that needs to be
done in order to find true and lasting peace.
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