Dear Reluctant,
That is a very good question and one that
Stav and I have also struggled with. Let us first address some misconceptions of what
healing is and what it is not.
- Healing does not mean staying in an abusive relationship.
- Healing does not mean overlooking or ignoring your emotions.
- Healing does not mean glossing over issues in an effort to attain a higher state of
consciousness.
- Sometimes healing means staying and working the issues out.
- Sometimes healing means leaving.
- Healing means experiencing more joy, fun and harmony as you become more competent in
using tools that handle conflict and in taking back your projections.
- Healing means learning how to communicate your truth without projecting or attacking
others.
No matter how the situation
or answer may look, healing always brings about a better state of mind for both parties
(but only if they are open to it!) Healing means becoming more and more conscious of our
hidden thoughts and emotions. It is dropping our masks and acts. It is not an all-at-once,
now-you’re-done experience. It is a gradual unraveling of every perception
that you have about yourself and others.
- Let’s suppose you’re having an argument. And suddenly you realize that you are
angrier than the situation warrants. That is healing.
- Maybe it occurs to you that the reason you are angrier than the situation warrants
perhaps because there is anger at somebody else included in this current anger. That
is healing.
- And when you think about it, you realize that there is a lot of unresolved anger toward
your parents (or ex-spouse or an old teacher) mixed in with this anger you have with your
relationship. That is healing.
- You see that you are projecting onto your partner not only the anger you have at what
they did, but also all the unexpressed anger you have at others from your past. You
realize that your partner is getting a double dose of anger. That is healing.
- And so you take a risk and tell your partner this fact. That is healing.
- Maybe both of you begin to talk about past hurts, how each of you was affected. That
is healing.
- You may even decide to get counseling, read books or take workshops in order to
understand and correct the errors. That is healing.
When I (Jerry) was more unconscious with my
dealings with people, I would spend my time only trying to see how much fun I could have,
while all the time avoiding any uncomfortable issues. When things got sticky with my
relationships I would generally shut down, judge, or just leave.
You see, there is this loving part of us
that wants to bond with another; that wants to share love and experiences. But
unfortunately there is another part of ourselves that does not want to bond. And that is
our egos.
As you let a relationship deepen, you may
find yourself having to address harder and harder issues. Whereas before maybe you argued
about where you will go for a date, now it’s about such earth-shattering
issues such as why one always leaves the toilet seat up, the toothpaste uncapped or the
lights on. You find yourself going from mild irritation to actual anger. What is being
challenged is our unconscious fears and need to control. As the Course says,
"The ego is therefore capable of
suspiciousness at best, viciousness at worst."
Text
pg. 164 / 176
What we are presented with is all of the
negative thoughts, emotions and judgements that we already harbor. We are being
asked at a Divine level, "Are you willing to see this part of yourself that you
judge? Are you willing to see that it is safe to open to another person?" Most of us,
or at least me, initially say, "No!" because we are more invested in being right
than being happy.
And so we change from suspicious irritation
to outright war. And nothing changes and nothing gets healed. For example, for years I
would get into relationships that ended in failure. I could not understand it. Here was
this loving, gentle man, and I couldn’t seem to get along with any woman. After
enough failures and divorces, I finally decided to get help and I enrolled in a class that
was designed to strip away my ego’s defenses. In one class the teacher actually
called me a Male Chauvinist Pig. I was stunned because basically I believed in
women’s rights and equal pay. But he explained further.
"You say the right things, but you
don’t really live them. You say you believe that women are your equal, but you treat
them like second class citizens."
I looked at my classmates and they were nodding
their heads. Initially I wanted to believe that they were just agreeing with the teacher
because he was the boss, but after some reflection I decided to try out the idea that
"What if I really felt that women were second class citizens?"
And you know what? I found that deep down
inside, I didn’t believe that women were actually as smart as me or as loving as
I was. Even though I said the right things, I did treat them as second class
citizens.
What does this have to do with healing?
Well, as I became more conscious of my judgments and projections, and allowed myself to
feel, express and release these unloving thoughts, I found myself actually listening to
women with new ears. I found myself being amazed by the wisdom and love they had. I found
it easier and safer to open to their love and I began to have relationships that were
easier and happier.
A Course in Miracles states that,