There is
a scene in the movie Enemy Mine that always touches me. It’s a story about
two enemies, an Earthman and a Drac — a reptilian life form, who are stranded on a
hostile planet and are forced to learn to live together. At one point the Earthman is
learning to read the Drac language from the alien’s holy bible. He reads two passages
aloud, in Drac, and then the Drac asks him to translate.
"Whenever one does harm to you, do not repay in kind. Love him
instead."
The Earthman looks up.
"I’ve
heard this before. On my planet"
"Of course," replies the Drac, "truth is
truth."
"Truth is truth." What a wonderful affirmation of a
universal concept. But sometimes our minds get stuck trying to find the truth. We’ve
all heard the saying that truth is relative. That statement is true in this world, the
world of perceptions. The world that I see and the world you see can be totally different.
Take for example, two women involved in a wedding, the mother of the groom and the mother
of the bride. After the wedding, we can interview them.
"Oh, it was absolutely horrible!" exclaims the mother
of the groom. "Nothing went as planned. The ushers didn’t know what to do, the
flowers were late and we ran out of wine at the last minute. My ulcer is killing me.
I’m glad it’s over!"
The mother of the bride may have a different experience.
"Oh, we had some problems, but all in all, it was a wonderful affair. We had to coach
the ushers at the last minute, the flowers arrived after the ceremony, so we just put them
on at the reception, and the wine ran out. One of our friends volunteered to run out
and buy more and so we sipped soda and joked until it came. Oh, it was a challenge, but we
survived. Besides, we still had fun."
The same incident, different
interpretations. Whose interpretation is correct?
The same thing happens when we are having a fight with our
relationship. We are convinced that our view is the only way to see it while our
relationship is equally convinced that their side is right. What is the truth? The truth
is that the issue is bigger then we realize and as A Course in Miracles states:
"You are never upset for the reason you think."
Remember that many times we create situations that remind us
of something else, something from the past. And then we react with all that suppressed
anger from the past.
So what is the Real Truth about us? The real truth is that we all
are children of a loving, powerful, beautiful God and we have the opportunity to express
that love at all times. That is what I call Truth with a capital
"T."
The truth (small "t") that we see every day, in this
world, is variable, changing with people’s perceptions. What you see is not the same
as what I see. The problem arises when I try to convince you that my truth is more correct
than your truth. And the more you resist my truth, the more angry I get and the more
defensive you become.
Then there is the emotional truth. This is the truth of how we
are feeling in the moment. Emotional truths are not based on logic or rationality. They
can change in an instant, but in order for them to change, they must be expressed in some
fashion. Such as:
"Yes, I am a child of God, but emotionally, right now, I
feel totally unlovable."
"The truth for me, right now, is that I don’t want to
hear you and I want to be right about this."
"Right now, I feel as if I never want to forgive you.
I’ll do it when I’m good and ready!"
Many of us have a fear of expressing the emotional truth. We
think that just because we feel "I hate you and I never want to see you," that
it literally means forever. So we hold back expressing our feelings. But emotional truths
never last! All it means is that right now, I hate you and right now I feel
like I don’t want to see you again. Two minutes from now I may feel very different.
In a relationship, we need to have the freedom to express these emotional truths without
everybody reacting as if it were the end of the relationship. There are times when I want
to be alone. There are times when I don’t feel lovable. There are times when I
don’t feel loving towards my wife. It doesn’t mean that these feelings are
forever.
When we express the little truth first, ultimately it leaves room
for the real Truth to be uncovered. The problem arises when we judge our little truths. We
think they are so petty, so unspiritual, so mean. And yet, once they are expressed, once
they are out in the open, they shrivel up in the light of love. Many times, after fighting
a heated argument, Stav and I realize that the truth about the whole disagreement is that
we were afraid and hurt. When we stop and tell the other person what we are afraid of
happening, we realize that inside we are just little children, afraid that the love will
go away. Once those issues are aired out, the love returns.
What I have learned, after numerous disagreements and broken
friendships is to say:
"Lord, help me to see this through Your eyes, not
mine."
Then I give myself permission to see and express my
version of the truth, but also, I allow myself to shut up and listen to my
partner’s version of their truth. When I am willing to let go of my version of the
truth and just allow another version in, my mind and heart expands. It does not mean that
I have to give up my position. It just means that I am receptive to another idea. I may accept
the new idea totally, I may reject it, or I may take part of it.
The truth is what is true for you in the
moment. Tell yourself the truth, just as it is. Let yourself feel it and acknowledge
it’s truth for you. Then be willing to let the larger truth be revealed.
And just as many times we have to let the little truth out, there
are times when the real Truth pops up, especially when it’s least
appreciated.
Late one night Stav and I were having a crazy fight. We were
totally furious with each other and hated each other. In a fit of one-upsmanship
(I’ve been known to be pretty good at this), I stormed out of the house. I figured
that since I didn’t want to be home, I would go to the office and work through the
night. And I wouldn’t let her know where I was. Let her worry! Let her suffer!
That’ll teach her! But as I was leaving, Stav called out,
"Drive carefully!"
I was so mad! Even in our rage for each other the real Truth
surfaced. At that moment she was a little saner than I was. She loved me, even as she
hated me, and she still wanted me to be safe. I drove to work, fuming, sat at my desk and
began to work. But my heart knew what I had to do. I called her, even though it was 12:30.
"I’m at work. I just didn’t want you to
worry."
"Thanks for calling. Why don’t you come home now?"
"I’m still angry and upset. Anyway I’m already
here, so I’ll just work through the night."
"OK. I’ll see you later," she said.
I worked for a few hours, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore.
The truth was, I missed her, I truly loved her and I didn’t want to punish her. I
came home, back to bed.
Though we still had our issues to handle, the real Truth of our
relationship had surfaced. We loved each other and nothing was worth throwing that away.
This helped in setting our issues into a different perspective.
Finally, I want to cover the thought that we
have to be responsible for what we want to believe. One night, in one of my classes, a
student asked,
"All these things that you are saying are so wonderful. But
I was raised with different concepts. I was raised with sin and guilt and fear. How do I
know which version is true?"
"Which version do you prefer to be true?", I asked.
I saw a light click in his eyes as he realized that he
was the believer and he could chose whatever he wanted to believe. And he could change his
mind - at any time.
"You have every right to believe anything you chose," I
continued. "But which makes you feel closer to people? Fear or love? Which makes you
feel closer to God? An angry, vengeful, old man or a forgiving Father?"
"The loving Father."
"Then believe in that."
There was a sense of peace on his face as he accepted that
thought. The greatest gift that we can give ourselves is permission to believe in the good
in ourselves, others and God. Trust that small, loving voice in your heart. It will never
steer you wrong. That’s because it never forgot the real Truth about you.
